i have another opinion...

Morrissey is the Michael Bolton of 80's alternative rock. That's right, I said it. The Smiths and U2 are severely overrated. Can you deal with that?

James Blunt is the current Michael Bolton...you know, the no-talent ass clown.

I love you two, but I'm going to mace you in the face.

Tomorrow is April Fool's Day. As Bryn might say, "I so excited!" Livy and I already got the parents this weekend with a ruthless "The kusches might have to move again" ploy. We had to cut it short because Kusch thought it was too mean. But he is mistaken, it was choice. And the parents laughed with relief. I have many things planned for tomorrow:

• squirtgun wake up
  
• cottonball muffins
  
• saltwater "juice"
  
• taking the girls for a surprise but really just going to the bank (There will be tears on this one. Lauren hates pranks, especially when she thinks it will be a surprise. Sometimes it's sweet to be a mom.)
  
• Crisco Oreos for Aaron to take to work
  
• and a few others I can't reveal at this time. One might involve a baby chick, it might not...Aaron draws the line at live animals...maybe I can fake one...otherwise I'll just have to settle for peeps.
  

Si

mon. So we just returned from Southern Utah. We went to the (literally) growing twin cities of La Verkin and Hurricane, Utah. We went so I could say goodbye (without saying goodbye) to my Grandma Wilson. She is doing amazingly well for only having a few more weeks to live. In fact, you wouldn't even know she was dying, she seems as spry as the last time I saw her.

This weekend, lots of family popped in to "say goodbye." So it was a fun reunion of sorts...although as my aunt or cousins left they would have a cheery face for my grandma and then when we walked them to their cars, they would have tears in their eyes. We would talk about her as if she was already dead and then say "see you soon" since we'll all be back for the funeral.

My parents came down this weekend too. My dad acted weird on and off during the weekend. It was just like how he acted at Grandpa's funeral. I obviously don't know how it would feel to lose parents, but it was weird to watch my father going through it before it had actually happened. When grandpa died, we all knew it was going to happen but we thought we had a few months. Then he came home from the hospital, went to sleep and never woke up. There was no closure for anyone, especially my grandma. This time, everyone has time to have closure with grandma and it is a different weird. This weekend has been a very surreal experience.

On a lighter note: As we drove home, I couldn't decide who had the worst job: Aaron or I. Aaron drove the trip, but I was "on point" handling all children and driver needs. They both suck and are kinda sweet at the same time. I think Aaron got the better end of the stick this round...although it was snowing past Beaver...maybe I'll leave it at a draw. We'll see who wins for the Santa Cruz trip.

I love it. It's the best. It is fantastic.

It doesn't get better than banging your elbow while pulling wet clothes from a washer. Really? really.

Seriously though, I have been so distracted this week, again I just can't multi-task. I've had to wash the same load of kid clothes three times before I finally remembered to stick them in the dryer. And I guess I didn't need to wash them again but my little girls look like wet dogs most of the time, and I wasn't ready for them to smell like wet dogs. Rest assured, the clothes are pipen hot and smell fresh.

I think I'll blame my distraction on changing deodorant. I'm a secret solid girl true and true, but this week I branched out. And look what I get? Distracted chaos. Thanks a lot Degree clinical strength for women...actually it works pretty well.

Chip, I'm going to come at you like a spider monkey.

Too many thoughts. Too many thoughts. First why am I so fierce? Some days I'm like a mangy cat who doesn't want a bath. I know I need it, I JUST DON'T WANT IT. I know it will make me smell better, but I want to get into the bath on my own terms...For example: Aaron's parents just got a boat and so they offered to give us their jet skis. Who doesn't want jet skis? Everyone right? That's why I'm a nutball. It is killing me that we are getting them. I know, coo coo, right? Let me explain my insanely unnecessary ferocity.

First, I'm not into having "stuff." Obviously too much so, because everything accept for my book collection, I can categorize as stuff. But more specifically, stuff is anything a boy desires: jet skis, snowmobiles, boats, large tracts of land, I think you get the idea. Now I don't think it is bad to have these things, they are lots of fun...I guess I'm just afraid of getting caught up into having "stuff" that I shun all forms of it...this also includes woman stuff: jewelry, handbags, etc. But I have loads of double standards and it doesn't even make sense to me. I mean I don't drive a minivan when I probably should. So I'm not an example of living practically. But maybe I feel like I'm counter balancing my impracticality by shunning stuff.

Anyway, so if Aaron decides to pick up some stuff or we are generously given stuff, all of a sudden, I get crazy fierce for no explainable reason. I don't want it. I don't like having it. I want to give it away as soon as we get it. In the case of the jet skis, I'm mildly ok with it because I made Aaron agreed that Megan and Christian could use them whenever they want. I know, I have issues, it is not a big deal and I make it into one.

I was crazy fierce with Aaron tonight because he mentioned that if we do move to Texas (which is a slight possibility, he's actually interviewing there right now), that we would have to get a boat. I freaked out. For some reason in my mind, I could rent a boat every day of the year but I don't want to own one. Because somehow owning one means I like having toys and that isn't who I am.

I am an anti-packrat. I collect books; everything else is fair game to give, donate, or throw away. Aaron is a collector. He packs, collects, stores, and displays almost everything. We still have his undergrad schoolwork in our office! We've moved it twice! It is completely insane to me. Maybe that's why I'm fierce about stuff. Maybe I'm afraid that Aaron will start collecting stuff if I give into having it...Aaron is not about having stuff...I need to get over this and relax. Good talks. good night.

retarded mom sidebar: I'm taking the girls to get their pictures taken tomorrow. I know it will be an unpleasant experience. I'm taking them by myself. 4 on 1. Those are not good odds. Tears will probably be shed.

It's like a koala crapped a rainbow in my brain

So Shari is having a favorite things party with some of her friends and asked all the Birch girls what our favorite things are; it led to a fully entertaining email train. These are some of my favorite things right now:

• An Encyclopedia of Joseph Smith's Teachings (it helps clarify or bring new light on loads of topics)
  
• My fondue pot
  
• Bath & Body's Heel of Approval (I'm slowly nursing my feet back to public viewing)
  
• My blogs (they house my thought vomit)
  
• Balsamic Vinegar and Roasted Red Pepper sandwiches
  
• A gift certificate to Barnes and Noble and a 2-hour break from my kids
  
• This YouTube video: Man Cold
  
• My Cafe Rio recipes
  
• snowboarding in powder (closest feeling to floating)
  
• toe-cap bindings
  
• a mixed slurpee
  
• shmoodies with Aaron
  
• spontaneous dance parties with my ladies
  
• Ava's knock-knock jokes
  
• laying on a beach, sand between the toes
  
• juice (I love it. I am the female Buster.)
  
• tucking my feet under Aaron
  

Things I learned from the Birch 112 and now must try:

• MAC Studio Fix
  
• Pureology Shampoo/Conditioner
  
• Tigi S Factor Smoothing Lusterizer
  
• Artichoke & Jalapeno dip at costco
  
• Caudalie vinosource rich anti wrinkle cream
  
• Big Star jeans
  

Aaron complains that he has to plan all year trying to figure out what I would want for Christmas/Birthdays. Say no more, wink wink, nudge, nudge, ya know what I mean.

yarp

I do not multi-task. I take on more than I can chew, and throw all my balls in the air but I only catch one at a time. Thus my time management issues. Put all the tasks in a column, add a few blank checkboxes and I'm your girl. As a mom, you need to multi-task. I try, I suck at it. Aaron knows this about me, but after almost eleven years of marriage, you would think he would be use to it. The problem is that I over focus; when I am doing something I block everything else out. It was great when I was working, but not so much with the kids. I'm sure that's why Ava and Bryn create so much havoc. They generally find trouble when I'm working on something else. Like Ava spreading oatmeal all over the kitchen when I was helping Bryn and Lauren clean their room. Or I'm writing and Aaron speaks to me and I have to ask "What?" three or four times before I actually hear him. It's completely nuts even to me! I can be looking straight at Aaron, want to hear what he's saying but my brain can not turn off what I was previously working on. I feel awful. And then I try to focus on listening to him but I eventually get caught being absorbed by my other task. Then I feel awful again. I'd like to blame Patsy for this but she can multi-task, so can senior dich. It, unfortunately, is my own brand of crazy.

weekend sidebar: I'm going snowboarding with Aaron and Lauren on Saturday. I can't wait to see her on her board. I also can't wait to try out my new toe-cap bindings. Seriously, the toe-cap is genius, no more numb toes.

Gobias Industries

It's not pocket flan, but I have an idea. Actually it's more of a line extension: sour cream in a squeezable container, you know, like ketchup. No more messy spoon or finger. No one enjoys licking excess sour cream without something to go with it. So I should probably email someone at the dairy company and make it happen, because I need more user friendly sour cream. Who doesn't?

a eulugooglizer, a person who speaks at funerals

My grandma Wilson is 92 or 4, I'm not sure. For the past year, the whole family has been prepping that she probably won't last much longer. My aunts and mother have taken turns helping her, she can no longer be alone but she wants to stay in her home. My aunts have done the bulk of taking care of her, and they've been champs.

A couple of weeks ago, Grandma's lungs began to fill up with liquid (I don't know the source). She went to the hospital and the doctors pumped her lungs. Then she was fine. Until last week, they discovered that her lungs are filling up again. So now my grandma has two options: continue to pump her lungs and prolong her life a bit longer OR go to a hospice and let nature takes its course--this would give her about a month to live. Of course they said the same thing with Grandpa after he decided to stop dialysis and he died two days after stopping treatment.

I think my grandma is ready to go but she might pump her lungs one more time because "it isn't a good time to die right now." She said this because Ron has a 3-week nonrefundable trip to China and Tami's cancer ("it's too much for the family right now"). So my grandma may die within the next two months. She's led a good life, she misses Grandpa, and her quality of life right now isn't great. Sweet lady. I love her and I will miss her. But I'm excited for her at the same time.

I just don't fear death. If I was faced with the same situation, I would throw a huge "see ya suckas" party and count my days to be reunited with Aaron. I say this now because I'm not actually faced with the situation. But thinking more about it, it would be a huge trial of faith. It completely challenges whether you believe in the gospel, the plan, and in Jesus Christ. It is the last step in faith, I only hope I will feel the same way as I do now: unchallenged and completely believing.

March Madness: B-rate Boy Movies vs. Bad Girl Movies

The stakes are high, I'm nervous to see who wins. I've created two brackets that push the edge of ridiculous. I'm squaring off b-rate boy movies (of which I have seen all of them) vs. romantic comedies that star either JLo, Kate Hudson, Kirsten Dunst or Reese Witherspoon. I feel somewhat cool that I had to actually look these girl movies up on IMDB because I have not seen nor desire to see any of them. So here are the rules: I have to choose a winner of each match-up based on the scenario that I'm lying in a hospital bed with only two channels, I can't turn the TV off, "I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew," and I can't move my arms or legs (hence I'm in a hospital). Oh and Aaron and the kids are out of town and visiting hours are over...I think that covers all my alternatives. What would I watch? The prize: if a boy movie wins, I won't complain anymore to Aaron about how terrible Bruce Willis is as an actor (seriously, this might be painful for me). If it is a girl movie, I'll Netflix it the next time Aaron makes me watch a crappy movie like last night's Ghosts of Mars starring Ice Cube. So here goes round 1:

Round 1
1.Monster-In-Law vs. Die Hard(er est) = Die Hards (yeah, JLo is that bad)
2.Wimbledon vs. Blade movies = Wimbledon
3.Fool's Gold vs. Pitch Black/Chronicles of Riddick = Fool's Gold
4.Sweet Home Alabama vs. Underworld (any) = Underworld
5.Shall We Dance vs. Doom = (crap, this one sucks, I'll come back to it)
6.Elizabethtown vs. AVP/Alien 3+/Predator(s) = AVP/Alien 3+/Predator(s)
7.How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days vs. XXX (vin d) = How to Lose a Guy
8. Legally Blonde vs. Fast and Furious (Tokyo Drift) = Fast and Furious (Tokyo Drift)
9. Maid in Manhattan vs. Mortal Combat(s) = Maid in Manhattan
10. Alex & Emma vs. Ravenous = Alex & Emma
11. The Importance of Being Earnest vs. Transporter (1 or 2) = Transporter (1 or 2) (this surprises me a bit too...but I hate it when Reese thinks she can act)
12. Jersey Girl vs. Starship Troopers = Starship Troopers
13. You, Me, and Dupree vs. The Crow (1 or 2) = You, Me, and Dupree
14. The Wedding Planner vs. Bad Boys (1 or 2) = The Wedding Planner
15. Legally Blonde 2 vs. Reign of Fire = Reign of Fire
16.Gigli vs. 5th Element = 5th Element

Overtime:
5.Shall We Dance vs. Doom = Doom (wow, I think this would easily be the worst night in the hospital)

Alternates: The Punisher, Hellboy, Van Dam/Segal movies, Ghosts of Mars, Scorpion King, or anything I've missed that stars Vin Diesel.

round 1 sidebar: Bruce should not have made it this far, I'm going to blame it on strength of schedule.

Round 2:
1. Die Hards vs. Wimbledon = Die Hards
2.Fool's Gold vs. Underworld = Underworld
3. Doom vs. AVP/Alien 3+/Predator(s) = AVP/Alien 3+/Predator(s)
4. How to Lose a Guy vs. Fast and Furious (Tokyo Drift) = How to Lose a Guy
5.Maid in Manhattan vs. Transporter (1 or 2) = Transporter (1 or 2)
6. Alex & Emma vs. Starship Troopers = Alex & Emma
7.You, Me, and Dupree vs. Reign of Fire = You, Me, and Dupree
8.The Wedding Planner vs. 5th Element =The Wedding Planner

Round 3:
1. Die Hards vs. Alex & Emma = Alex & Emma
2. Underworld vs. How to Lose a Guy = Underworld
3. AVP/Alien 3+/Predator(s) vs. You, Me, and Dupree = You, Me, and Dupree
4. Transporter (1 or 2) vs. The Wedding Planner = Transporter (1 or 2)

Round 4:
1.Alex & Emma vs. Underworld = Underworld
2. You, Me, and Dupree vs. Transporter (1 or 2) = You, Me, and Dupree

Finals:
Underworld vs. You, Me, and Dupree . . .

the winner is: You, Me, and Dupree
(of course I haven't seen this movie, so if it is a total suck fest...which I'm sure it is, I may have to reevaluate my life.)

I actually learned a lot about myself during this process. Aaron is stunned that Starship Troopers didn't make it further. After all, it was our first B-movie together and its comedy levels are high. Maybe next year.

if you die first, I'm definitely going to eat you

Ok so I must really love Aaron because he subjects me to very dumb b-grade boy movies. He loves them, they are not a guilty pleasure, he finds them incredibly entertaining for their high unintentional comedy factor. . .and it is true, I am laughing with him because the lines, effects, plots or low budget are mildly entertaining. But most of the movies he makes me watch can and are painfully bad to me. So why don't I leave him on the couch and do something else? Several reasons, one I fall asleep cuddled up next to him, two I love him and while the movie may be bad I love hearing him laugh, or three sometimes they are entertaining bad/funny. So we watch these terrible movies and become dumber for doing so. In return Aaron watches Shakespeare movies with me, which unfortunately can be done poorly too. Kenneth Braunagh's As You Like It is topping that list right now. But I watch at least 4-6 bad boy movies to my one shakespeare/girl movie. Why don't I demand more? I don't know. I guess because I hate girl movies almost as much. A good romantic comedy is hard to find. I pretty much hate all girl movies that include JLo, Kate Hudson, and Reese Witherspoon. Except for Just Like Heaven with Witherspoon, that one isn't too bad. I've only seen clips of Kate and JLo movies and those were painful. So I have to ask myself, which do I hate more b-rate boy movies or bad romantic comedies? I don't know...I'm almost afraid to find out. So I joked with Aaron that I should create a March Madness: B- boys vs. Bad girl movies and see who wins. Hence my next entry.

entitled, my experience upon the mothership, also autobiographical

As part of his interview with Smith, Aaron had to provide his top ten music albums of all time. This was a challenge for him being a giant music fan. I mean how do you pick just ten. Mentally I started compiling my own list. And I don't know if I could narrow it down to ten. I realized as I thought of albums/bands I would put on my list, they naturally fell in a chronological order in an autobiographical sense. Here is my list in order:

1. The Beastie Boys: License to Ill (Elementary. The first tapes I purchased. Honorable mention to Huey Lewis and the News: Hip to be Square)
   
2. The Cure: Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me & Disintegration (The begining of Jr High)
   
3. Depeche Mode: Black Celebration & Violator (Dishonorable mention: New Kids on the Block)
   
4. Red Hot Chili Peppers: BloodSugarSexMagic (High School)
   
5. Beastie Boys: Check Your Head & Paul's Boutique
   
6. Pearl Jam: One
   
7. Steve Miller Band: Best of (Honorable mentions to Mettalica and Led Zepplin)
   
8. SaxMachine (ahh the rave years)
   
9. Enya (college)
   
10. Dave Matthew's Band
    
11. Beastie Boys: Ill Communication
    
12. George Winston: December
    
13. Oasis (Honorable mention to London's finest: Fingerbowl)
    
14. Soul Coughing
    
15. ColdPlay: Yellow (married years)
    
16. Beastie Boys: Hello Nasty
    
17. Travis: the Invisible Band (This will always be my month in Europe with Aaron)
    
18. Bee Gees (talking about crazy gold medallions)
    
19. Dashboard Confessional
    
20. Pinback (my latest anthem)
    

That's my life. The Beastie Boys have been an anchor. I ride on the bus to the city every day. I sit on the bus and dream myself away. I dream I'm on an island with that foxy lady too. And when I awaken, I must be mistaken, I'm on the avenue. Won't you take me away, or take away you. Get off the bus, it's time to get up and go to work.

Obama could be the Antichrist

But he's not. Although I can see how all the evangelicals are confused.

Awhile back I was completely obsessed with the second coming. I read a ton: Encyclipedia of Joeseph Smith, complied prophesies of latter day prophets, D&C, Revelations, you name it, I read it...as long as it was sited as coming from a prophet in a prophetic context. As a mormon, as far as I can tell, we don't believe in an single man that will rise up and gain dominion over us in the last days. Antichrists are just anything or one that opposes christ.

So during this phase, I stumbled over the born-again christian author LaHaye and his Left Behind series. 12 books was overkill, I made it through 7 before becoming bored. This series is incredibly popular among evangelicals and having read it, I understand their slant on christianity a lot better. You can see how they are confused, but they get some stuff absolutely right. Well the third book is the rise of the Antichrist. They believe him to be a person that will take control of the world essentially and brand us with the mark, etc.

LaHaye's antichrist is eerily just like Obama. I'm not kidding. I had this conversation with Natalie about how similar they are: Incredibly charismatic, full of hope and change (and how they lay out their change is completely socialist and vague), positions himself for the people--a humble servant to injustice...but really all the policy changes end up usurping our liberty and eventually create a one world government...sounds like Obama to me. Although, let me state again, I don't believe Obama is the antichrist, I am just pointing out why I believe so many evangelicals do. Something to ponder, right?

my master plan

I am a time management freak. I like lists. I like to check things off my lists; I find unhealthy amounts of joy by looking at checked boxes. Maybe that's how I define love. You know that crappy categorization of how people liked to be loved: touch, gifts, verbal...yeah I don't remember them all because I don't care. Although Aaron is 100% touch. (Having an inner Senior Dich, I have to sacrifice my space constantly.) Anyway, maybe mine is checkboxes. Sure that doesn't make sense. I'll have to figure out a way to fuse it with Aaron. You know like on Seinfeld when George combines sex and eating...although that didn't work out too well for him, which is a shame.

Anyway, back to my master plan. I just thought I would put an update on where I stand right now. Things on my imaginary life checklist:
get married
have kids (yeah we're done...I still have to convince Aaron of this.)
write a book (almost checked off.)
sell the house and just go on missions till we require assisted living. (yeah, I realize this is a bit of a hard sell for Aaron. He thinks I will want to stick around and see my grandkids or something. He's promised at least 3 missions...)
bust into the celestial kingdom. (Some days I feel like this is impossible and then lately Aaron and I have been realizing it might not be that hard. Sure there's a few locks to pick and then you got to get past Peter, but it's possible. Seriously though, sometimes Aaron and I feel like an anomaly, Aaron knows tons of mormons that "what goes on the road, stays on the road." I saw it at internap too. It's shocking.

60% of the time, it works every time

Jen sent me this. I don't know what makes me giggle more: the fact that it is true or that the guy from Hot Fuzz and Sean of the Dead is in it. Love those movies. Hot Fuzz could be in my top ten right now. Aaron didn't get it, he doesn't see why it is funny. And Aaron isn't this bad, when he gets sick he usually is dying, literally. Although this does apply to Ryan. Commiserations boys: Man Cold [youtube].

Bob Lob Law

Yeah, it is 3am and I should be in bed but I just finished the contract job and so I thought I would spew for a minute. So my children are obsessed with death. We talk about it a lot. They bring it up and we review the talking points:

1. Our bodies stay on earth and our spirits go to heaven to be with Jesus.
   
2. When Jesus comes back, so will everyone who has died.
   
3. Then we'll have a "we've missed you party" with those that have passed.
   

Sometimes the details change and now Lauren has moved onto planning the party (I swear this girl will make a great event planner once she is older). Driving to the store today, Bryn busts out that she misses Grandpa Gray and that she loves him and that she misses President Hinckley. Then she begins to cry real tears. I try to comfort her by saying we will see him again when Jesus comes. This calms her down. But then it gets me thinking, what do parents say that don't believe in Jesus? How awful that would be, I am so grateful for Jesus Christ and his plan for us. I can't imagine a world without that hope of being together again. I only hope I can teach the girls to have the same faith. On a lighter note, Lauren was wondering how she would travel through space to get to heaven. I think I explained it, I'll find out the next time we deconstruct death.

worthy sidebar: I am a supermom today. Four kids, one cart, and a crap load of food. No issues, no meltdowns, I can handle four kids...today.

skills

I have an incomprehensible ability to take on more than I can do. I don't take on one challenge at a time, master it and complete to perfection. Instead I take on 3-7 challenges at a time, do them pretty good, and burn myself out. Then I do nothing until I itch to check more things off my imaginary checklist. And then I rinse lather and repeat. This is my M.O.: Jack of all, master of none. I hate that. So then I say, I'm going to master something and I focus for like 4-6 weeks, until I itch to take on more, which I always do. And then I'm in the weeds again. For example, right now I am:

1. writing a book,
   
2. picking up another contract job,
   
3. taking care of 4 little kids,
   
4. building a loverson blog,
   
5. trying to pay a little attention to Aaron,
   
6. working out to get my momma butt back into my size 4 jeans,
   
7. and now I'm debating about picking my guitar up again and really practicing.
   

Boo hoo right? Everyone has tons of crap going on. But I desire to do all of these things really well which presents a time management issue and a reshuffling of priorities. And then when I don't meet my own standards for a job well done, I beat myself up. So do I take on too much so that I sabotage myself from succeeding? So that when I fall short I can say, well I was doing too much at the time. For example, right now I'm revising Nevaeh and I'm thinking about pushing back my revision deadline to accommodate all the other stuff. But that frustrates me because it is the one thing, the only thing I want to accomplish the most (for myself). I'm already sacrificing sleep (I rarely go to bed before 2am) and time with Aaron. He's being incredibly supportive, I love him--but then that's what's pulling me back from finishing. It's as if I see the finish line and I stop to run another race.

I'm an idiot for taking on the contract job. I just suffer from the inability to say no. And this one really builds my writing portfolio. Maybe it will go fast and be easy...it appears to be so far. We'll see though.

Alright, enough blah blah. I need to take care of Morgan. A quick sidebar: we get to take her into public next week. Hurray for not having to be a RSV nazi anymore. cheers.

After reading this, I'll let the guitar sit till this summer.

my money is on stripes

Ok, so who would win in a fight: a tiger or a bear?
A tiger, right?
What if it was two tigers and three bears? Personally, that's an even fight. Could go either way.