I have shamed myself

Today I went to the store wearing my moccasins without wearing socks. I felt very Miami Vice. Although, the 80's are in, and if people can wear neon stripes, I think I can get away with no socks (just this once). I like to think I'm fashion forward (but realistically, I'm more don-johnson-backward). Man, I had a ginormous crush on don johnson. Dude.

A retreat to go forward

Today, one of my friends told me she had just miscarried. Having had two myself, I could immediately relate to her situation. And all those hidden emotions, that were deep inside of me, gushed out. I felt the loss, anxiety, inadequacy, anguish, and sadness that comes with miscarriage all over again. Clearly, I over empathize too much. But I have been reflecting on those feelings all day. Sad for my friend, and hoping like hell that she doesn't have a similar infertility situation, that stemmed from my miscarriages, or worse. You can only hope.

I was amazed at her candor and courage to speak about it so soon after. It took a year for me to even breathe a word of it to my mother. It seemed like such a private matter at the time; it was a silly response to the pain I was experiencing. And then when I let it out, I was shocked at how many came to me with the same secret pain--it digs at your divine nature as a woman, and when you are robbed of that child, if feels unbearable at times.

Aaron always tried to be level-headed and scientific about the whole thing--his best defense mechanism. He would try to help me feel better by saying, "Your body knows what it is doing, and if something wasn't right, then it needed to happen." I respect this argument. But don't tell it to a woman who wants to have children. Because you begin to do the math about how many more months and periods you would have to endure before having a child. And at what cost, or in my case, how many hormones would you have to artificially pump through you before it would be possible.

The hardest part about miscarriage is not the miscarriage itself, but the time between the miscarriage and your next pregnancy. For me, that was almost three years. Three brutal years. I hope my friend will not have to wait so long.

I never have a problem sleeping, I sleep on demand. So I don't understand taking pills and I can't comprehend staying up all night. But tonight, I can. I have no desire to sleep right now. I know I will pay for it tomorrow.

I'm pretty good with a crossbow

I am now a master genius. Seriously. I solved my Rubik's cube. Who does that? Geniuses. So therefore, I am. Sure it took me almost a month, but I frak'n solved the thing. And now that I know how to do it, I'm pretty sure I could do it again.

Did I use cheats? Yes, at one point I did look at a cheat (for an actually really simple part of the puzzle) but I couldn't understand their algorithm...so I still had to figure out how to get to the next step of the puzzle on my own--this means I can still claim master genius. Although, if I couldn't understand their algorithm that may disqualify my master status.

This, of course, is also a triple bonus score to become a power geek. But I don't care, I SOLVED A RUBIK's CUBE. Bring it.

And yes it's midnight on Friday...double geek points earned. [It's all about points.] I solved it while watching Bridget Jones.

If the kids mess it up before Aaron gets home, I might cry...I'll have to hide it...or put it in a glass case on the mantle.

first of all, do not bad mouth synergy

Can you eat a bowl of popcorn while doing pilates?

The answer is yes, yes you can.

x Games sidebar: Aaron almost didn't go to the big air contest last night with his co workers. I told him: his 19-yr-old self would kick him in the butt if he didn't. He went and I saw him last night (on tv) in the sea of industry people all texting on their phones. gappers.

everybody cut, everybody cut

Today has been a play day and I'll reward myself with laundry tomorrow. Laundry day is brutal because it also includes scavenging in Bryn and Lauren's room for clothes that have been tucked everywhere except the laundry basket. And then four loads later, I have a hill of socks that scream obscenities at me. I loathe the sock pile. I wish they could match themselves.

I'm going to reward myself with new makeup though...if I get it all done. I know I shouldn't buy new makeup with Bryn and Ava in the house. Makeup is their weakness; but consequently, I'm almost out (thanks to my two little beauts) and thus I actually need new makeup. So I think that's a good reward for finishing the laundry.

So Aaron keeps hinting we should have another baby and I keep telling him to suck it. I do not need more babies. I do not want more babies. I'm an old woman; my eggs are rusty and shriveled. And we're not going to have a boy--strike four, we're done. So why does he want to try? I have no idea...if he wants more, then it will have to be another miracle baby that can not only bust through my once infertile uterus but also bust through my many lines of defense. Yeah, it's not happening. Aaron is clearly not home enough. If he was, this would not be a debate.

So my friend told me today that they are remaking Footloose. This is a crime against Kevin Bacon. Footloose makes my top 20 favorite movies of all time. Any movie that has some sort of dance off is box office gold (to me). Xanadu: case and point. Zac Efron will never be Ren. never.

Ever hear of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? Morons.

licken splicken...I can't think today. Let's start with what I do know: going to the book club without reading the book was still a good idea. Ann Janae's dad talked a ton about Vietnam and I learned a bunch. I still don't want to read the book, because it is fiction. Although Ann Janae's dad read it and said all of it was believable. Still, it's about war. I know enough about past wars, so it is still not worth reading...to me.

I called the NICU. They need care packages for the parents. This NICU is small (only about 15 babies a month). Utah Valley averages 45 babies in the NICU every day. Still, it was good coming from the the machine that was Utah Valley because I have a ton of ideas--thanks to their parent network. I've also been asking other friends here, who have had NICU babies, for ideas. Here's my list for the care package so far:

1. cute scrapbook card (to put the baby's name on and hang on baby station)
2. snuggle swaddle blanket (this is going to be the hardest to get done)
3. beanie baby (for comparing the baby's size now and then at a year)
4. thank you cards (for people that help get you through the tough time)
5. pocket sudoku (for the boredom that is the hospital)

My Valiant 10 class all got star cards on Sunday for being the most reverent during Sharing Time. This is a huge accomplishment for me. I have 7 boys and 3 girls. And 3 of the boys are cute but crazy and rile up all the others. Reverence is a constant challenge. I've got them motivated with a point system but they require constant vigilance. I love all the kids, they are a bunch of fun...but I secretly hope I lose half the boys when the ward (hopefully) splits next month. They exhaust me.

So I've been running 2+ miles every day. But I need faster results and I like my treats. So I'm upping my mile count to 4.5 a day. If I don't reach hot mama status by bathing suit weather, I'm going to be pissed.

I've been working a ton on my book and challenging myself to perfect 5 chapters a month. You would think this should be easy when it is already written but I'm adding and subtracting plot every time I work on it. Anyway, I gotta get it done because I'm planning to attend a Children's Writers workshop in May to schmooze the agents. Man this is a process. And my plot is a 6 book series which I'm constantly developing in my mind. I should probably get the whole outline out on paper before I forget critical parts.

and yadda yadda yadda, it was 70 today. We went to the park for a couple of hours. The kids ran and played until they could barely walk home. I practically dragged Ava. The kids were ready for bed, which was good, because I was ready to put them to bed.

And yes, Obama is finally president; I'm ready to put that story to bed so we can get back to real news. He'll be a nice face for America....I just wish his policies were better.

Aaron left for X Games today. It's in Aspen, I wanted to go with him but his group got a condo instead of hotels. Oh well. I'm going to start the Princess and the Hound tonight. Hopefully it is a good book. I'm always nervous about young adult.

and yeah, that's about it. my head is empty of thought. chow.

I love lamp

my top ten movies of all time:

1. Shakespeare in Love
2. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
3. Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels
4. Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
5. Hot Fuzz
6. Office Space
7. Girls Just Want to Have Fun
8. Animal House
9. Zoolander
10. Anchorman
11. Better Off Dead
12. Flash Gordon

Yes I recognize that there are more than ten--but I absolutely could not leave them off the list. Yes, I also understand that many are rated R. I mostly watch the edited versions...mostly. I need to repent a little.

I love lists; they are magic.

You want a piece of me?

For posterity:

Top Ten of 2008:

1. Finishing first readable draft of The Puddlejump Adventures
   
2. Corene's wedding
   
3. New house, new ultra-fantastic neighborhood
   
4. Girls trip to NYC
   
5. Aaron's new job
   
6. Lauren and Bryn's dance recitals
   
7. La Creme yogurt--closest thing to European deliciousity
   
8. Poolside with the girls
   
9. Anything Ava says: "You want pie?" "Ass glee" "I can't see my face." "morgan, you no cry. I cry." "Boogers are yuuuuuummmmmy!"
   
10. Glad Oder Shield Vanilla Scented trash bags: what heaven smells like.
    
    

Bottom Five of 2008:

1. Losing my wedding ring
   
2. 5 days, 4 ubersick kids, and Aaron's out of town
   
3. VT nightmare
   
4. Hitting a light post
   
5. Not enough snow in Denver

there is no charge for awesomeness

wow, what a day. I don't even know what happened; it was all a blur. Nothing traumatizing or ridiculous--just one of "those" days. So the kids are all in bed and Aaron is at scouts; my life is quiet for the moment but my brain is spinning a million ways.

And I'm going to book club on Friday and I didn't even read the book. I know that sounds incredibly silly...and it is. I'm only going because my friend wanted to go with me and because someone's father is coming to speak about Vietnam. The book I was suppose to read is Tim O'brien's The Things They Carried. I know it has won awards but I just couldn't read it. Aaron drowns me in war documentaries ( I know Band of Brothers by heart), and a fictional Vietnam book--eeeeh, I just wasn't into it. Originally, I wasn't planning to go (but now that I am), I felt guilt and scrambled today to find the book: out everywhere. So I am going to book club without reading more than the book cover. sweet.

What else can I dump from my head? Oh yeah, so one of my many goals is to do something for the NICU here. I know what I could do for the NICU at Utah Valley (and maybe I still should--those nurses were incredible) but I want to do something locally so the girls can be a part of it. I know I need to just call them and find out what they need or what could help lift the parents. I just haven't had time and/or, more critically, my phone has decided to stop working so I have to drive again to catch up on my correspondence. Aaron and I actually debated getting a LAN line today...we haven't had one since 2000. I need to call Tmobile tomorrow. swine cell phone.

I really need to make a (physical) list for tomorrow.

Mayan Calendar sidebar: Okay, so I was reading my entry below and it sounds a bit coo coo. So I thought I might (hopefully) dilute the crazy. One, Mormons don't believe in the Mayan Calendar as prophesy. Two, I do not subscribe to the crazy new age crap associated with 2012 or the Mayan Calendar. I do believe that before Christ comes again there will be a destruction period here on the Earth. What is going to go down: see Revelations and the D&C. Will the destruction period begin when the Mayan Calendar says it will in 2012? No one knows. Do I think it will? No. I have no idea. I just think the calendar is fascinating. If it does? Oh crap. If it doesn't? no worries. It doesn't affect my testimony and shew, we have a bit more time. So then why am I excited about the 2012 movie? Because I've read a bunch of the new age crap trying to learn real truth about the Mayan Calendar. It is a whole new level of crazy, and I love it from a entertainment perspective. The movie should be a good ride and get people riled up just like the Da Vinci Code. Okay, I think that covers most of the coo coo.

game over man, game over.

I love prophesy about the last days; I became a bit consumed by it a few years ago. And I suck in anything that fits into what I believe as a mormon. Of course this also includes the Mayan Calendar, which predicts the beginning of the destruction period to be Dec 2012. The Mayans claim they got their calendar from their god (which happens to be more accurate than our current calendar, plus the mayan calendar tracks more than seasons and time--so fascinating, I love it. Although, it is hard to find scientific info on it without getting bogged down in the new age crap.)

And yadda yadda yadda, this is my point. The history channel was playing one of its Bible Code "documentaries" the other night; for the record, I don't believe in the Bible Code any more than Nostradamus---which is zero. I just think it is fun. Anyway, the bible code predicts a comet to hit in 2012. It all comes full circle. (Oh and if you live in California, you might want to move by 2010--that's when the bible code predicts some huge earthquake...on the plus side you won't have to live in the post-comet era in 2012.)

Anyway, my real point is this: we saw a trailer for the new 2012 movie and "I so excited." Not that I believe that reality will play out like the movie, but that there is a movie about all this 2012 prophesy stuff. It should be a good ride.

ass glee

Arrr, the holidays are over and it is back to routine...except for the commander which is being fixed. Good thing we slacked on selling the liberty, because now I don't need a rental car. Ugh, I hate that bob barker. Seriously, I can't believe I backed into a light post. Who does that? retards like me, I guess.

It is a new year, and time for resolutions. I'm a huge goal setter--even though I don't get half of it done. But I'm a glass-is-always-full kind of person (except for when I hit light posts) and so I count half of my goals accomplished as better than none. I have a sickness though. I have caught "senor dich." How do I know? Because the week prior to new year's eve, I contemplated, categorized, and prioritized my goals for this year. I'm a nerd to the 1000 degree. I accept this; but becoming my father is icky. To fight off my senor dich sickness, I refuse to put my list on this blog (with delightful check boxes; seriously, I love the html form: checkbox=please).

Christmas sidebar: I got a Rubik's cube, and the bastard tempts me everyday. I can almost solve the thing but get hosed doing the last four corners. swine cube.

ass glee sidebar: bryn and ava are convinced that when we pray, we say "ass glee" instead of "ask thee." It brings aaron and I joy every night during family prayer.