I have shamed myself

Today I went to the store wearing my moccasins without wearing socks. I felt very Miami Vice. Although, the 80's are in, and if people can wear neon stripes, I think I can get away with no socks (just this once). I like to think I'm fashion forward (but realistically, I'm more don-johnson-backward). Man, I had a ginormous crush on don johnson. Dude.

A retreat to go forward

Today, one of my friends told me she had just miscarried. Having had two myself, I could immediately relate to her situation. And all those hidden emotions, that were deep inside of me, gushed out. I felt the loss, anxiety, inadequacy, anguish, and sadness that comes with miscarriage all over again. Clearly, I over empathize too much. But I have been reflecting on those feelings all day. Sad for my friend, and hoping like hell that she doesn't have a similar infertility situation, that stemmed from my miscarriages, or worse. You can only hope.

I was amazed at her candor and courage to speak about it so soon after. It took a year for me to even breathe a word of it to my mother. It seemed like such a private matter at the time; it was a silly response to the pain I was experiencing. And then when I let it out, I was shocked at how many came to me with the same secret pain--it digs at your divine nature as a woman, and when you are robbed of that child, if feels unbearable at times.

Aaron always tried to be level-headed and scientific about the whole thing--his best defense mechanism. He would try to help me feel better by saying, "Your body knows what it is doing, and if something wasn't right, then it needed to happen." I respect this argument. But don't tell it to a woman who wants to have children. Because you begin to do the math about how many more months and periods you would have to endure before having a child. And at what cost, or in my case, how many hormones would you have to artificially pump through you before it would be possible.

The hardest part about miscarriage is not the miscarriage itself, but the time between the miscarriage and your next pregnancy. For me, that was almost three years. Three brutal years. I hope my friend will not have to wait so long.

I never have a problem sleeping, I sleep on demand. So I don't understand taking pills and I can't comprehend staying up all night. But tonight, I can. I have no desire to sleep right now. I know I will pay for it tomorrow.

I'm pretty good with a crossbow

I am now a master genius. Seriously. I solved my Rubik's cube. Who does that? Geniuses. So therefore, I am. Sure it took me almost a month, but I frak'n solved the thing. And now that I know how to do it, I'm pretty sure I could do it again.

Did I use cheats? Yes, at one point I did look at a cheat (for an actually really simple part of the puzzle) but I couldn't understand their algorithm...so I still had to figure out how to get to the next step of the puzzle on my own--this means I can still claim master genius. Although, if I couldn't understand their algorithm that may disqualify my master status.

This, of course, is also a triple bonus score to become a power geek. But I don't care, I SOLVED A RUBIK's CUBE. Bring it.

And yes it's midnight on Friday...double geek points earned. [It's all about points.] I solved it while watching Bridget Jones.

If the kids mess it up before Aaron gets home, I might cry...I'll have to hide it...or put it in a glass case on the mantle.

first of all, do not bad mouth synergy

Can you eat a bowl of popcorn while doing pilates?

The answer is yes, yes you can.

x Games sidebar: Aaron almost didn't go to the big air contest last night with his co workers. I told him: his 19-yr-old self would kick him in the butt if he didn't. He went and I saw him last night (on tv) in the sea of industry people all texting on their phones. gappers.

everybody cut, everybody cut

Today has been a play day and I'll reward myself with laundry tomorrow. Laundry day is brutal because it also includes scavenging in Bryn and Lauren's room for clothes that have been tucked everywhere except the laundry basket. And then four loads later, I have a hill of socks that scream obscenities at me. I loathe the sock pile. I wish they could match themselves.

I'm going to reward myself with new makeup though...if I get it all done. I know I shouldn't buy new makeup with Bryn and Ava in the house. Makeup is their weakness; but consequently, I'm almost out (thanks to my two little beauts) and thus I actually need new makeup. So I think that's a good reward for finishing the laundry.

So Aaron keeps hinting we should have another baby and I keep telling him to suck it. I do not need more babies. I do not want more babies. I'm an old woman; my eggs are rusty and shriveled. And we're not going to have a boy--strike four, we're done. So why does he want to try? I have no idea...if he wants more, then it will have to be another miracle baby that can not only bust through my once infertile uterus but also bust through my many lines of defense. Yeah, it's not happening. Aaron is clearly not home enough. If he was, this would not be a debate.

So my friend told me today that they are remaking Footloose. This is a crime against Kevin Bacon. Footloose makes my top 20 favorite movies of all time. Any movie that has some sort of dance off is box office gold (to me). Xanadu: case and point. Zac Efron will never be Ren. never.

Ever hear of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? Morons.

licken splicken...I can't think today. Let's start with what I do know: going to the book club without reading the book was still a good idea. Ann Janae's dad talked a ton about Vietnam and I learned a bunch. I still don't want to read the book, because it is fiction. Although Ann Janae's dad read it and said all of it was believable. Still, it's about war. I know enough about past wars, so it is still not worth reading...to me.

I called the NICU. They need care packages for the parents. This NICU is small (only about 15 babies a month). Utah Valley averages 45 babies in the NICU every day. Still, it was good coming from the the machine that was Utah Valley because I have a ton of ideas--thanks to their parent network. I've also been asking other friends here, who have had NICU babies, for ideas. Here's my list for the care package so far:

1. cute scrapbook card (to put the baby's name on and hang on baby station)
2. snuggle swaddle blanket (this is going to be the hardest to get done)
3. beanie baby (for comparing the baby's size now and then at a year)
4. thank you cards (for people that help get you through the tough time)
5. pocket sudoku (for the boredom that is the hospital)

My Valiant 10 class all got star cards on Sunday for being the most reverent during Sharing Time. This is a huge accomplishment for me. I have 7 boys and 3 girls. And 3 of the boys are cute but crazy and rile up all the others. Reverence is a constant challenge. I've got them motivated with a point system but they require constant vigilance. I love all the kids, they are a bunch of fun...but I secretly hope I lose half the boys when the ward (hopefully) splits next month. They exhaust me.

So I've been running 2+ miles every day. But I need faster results and I like my treats. So I'm upping my mile count to 4.5 a day. If I don't reach hot mama status by bathing suit weather, I'm going to be pissed.

I've been working a ton on my book and challenging myself to perfect 5 chapters a month. You would think this should be easy when it is already written but I'm adding and subtracting plot every time I work on it. Anyway, I gotta get it done because I'm planning to attend a Children's Writers workshop in May to schmooze the agents. Man this is a process. And my plot is a 6 book series which I'm constantly developing in my mind. I should probably get the whole outline out on paper before I forget critical parts.

and yadda yadda yadda, it was 70 today. We went to the park for a couple of hours. The kids ran and played until they could barely walk home. I practically dragged Ava. The kids were ready for bed, which was good, because I was ready to put them to bed.

And yes, Obama is finally president; I'm ready to put that story to bed so we can get back to real news. He'll be a nice face for America....I just wish his policies were better.

Aaron left for X Games today. It's in Aspen, I wanted to go with him but his group got a condo instead of hotels. Oh well. I'm going to start the Princess and the Hound tonight. Hopefully it is a good book. I'm always nervous about young adult.

and yeah, that's about it. my head is empty of thought. chow.

I love lamp

my top ten movies of all time:

1. Shakespeare in Love
2. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
3. Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels
4. Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
5. Hot Fuzz
6. Office Space
7. Girls Just Want to Have Fun
8. Animal House
9. Zoolander
10. Anchorman
11. Better Off Dead
12. Flash Gordon

Yes I recognize that there are more than ten--but I absolutely could not leave them off the list. Yes, I also understand that many are rated R. I mostly watch the edited versions...mostly. I need to repent a little.

I love lists; they are magic.